This is a topic I've thought about a lot, been asked about a lot, and been judged about quite a bit. Everyone has their own opinions and I respect them to a point, until a person starts forcing their opinion on me or someone else in hurtful ways. But that's not what this post is about. This post is my story of how having kids young changed my life.
I'll be completely honest and open about this and give you some background so you can fully understand my story. I won't go into details because they're my personal feelings and memories, but my childhood was anything but easy. It was filled with pain and broken promises and lack of love from the two people I needed it from the most.
I don't regret having my kids at a young age, because they changed my life in ways that words can't fully describe. Prior to having my firstborn, my daughter Lily, I lacked all the motivation to finish school and get my diploma. That's not to say I haven't always been the strong, put together person I am now, and even then I still have a ways to go. I just lost my barrings along the way and lost sight of the big picture we call life. I wasn't truly living because I let my pain swallow me up.
As a kid I was pretty happy for someone who went through some of the things I had to face. My sisters shielded me from a lot of things, and I had other family members such as my aunt and my grandfather to take care of me. My dark childhood was rewarded when things started to get better.
And then they got worse. I moved around from certain family members, which was the best thing at the time. It wasn't always ideal, and it was hard for me to cope especially when I felt I had no one to talk to and to actually listen. I fell into a depression at the age of 10. It was brutal. And I didn't want to have my life anymore. Luckily my sister reached out to me before I could do anything about it, and I started to go to counseling. After a few pushy counselors, I finally stopped going all together.
I was in an abusive relationship with my daughter's biological father at the time I fell pregnant and I had already decided to keep the baby, and as I was living with my sick and fragile grandparents at the time, they told me I would soon have to move out because it was "too much stress" for them. Which in retrospect, was true in some respects. But I felt abandoned, and scared and confused. For the first time in a long time, I didn't open up about my feelings anymore. And things happened and there was a falling out that led me to move out, I moved in with Lily's father for half of my pregnancy until the abuse got so bad that I got placed in protective care.
At first, the family I got placed with was really nice and supportive and loving. But then when I wanted even the smallest shred of freedom (I wasn't given any at all growing up, even in my early teens I was told to stay home all day if I wasn't in school, I wasn't allowed to go to neighbors' houses either), they turned on me and started worrying and tightened the strings. So I rebelled and started wanting more freedom but I'm not one to party or do drugs or anything like that, so I didn't do much about it at all. But I started doing toxic things like being on my phone all the time, and not reaching out to friends and family (which I didn't have many physically around me, because I moved pretty far from most of them) and started being rude when they reached out. This is also when I started to push people away before either of us got closer in case they wanted to leave my life (I'm still working through that and learning to trust and be trustworthy, but I'm getting there and I'm better than I was before). Then things got worse and I felt ridiculed and like the oddball out at times, some of it my fault, some of it not. But either way, it was another hell I had to live through for some time.
Then I met someone and we started dating. Even though I moved pretty fast, he was one of the sweetest people you could meet, and his family was supportive of me having a daughter once they saw me come around more. But I was afraid to get close, because I knew they could turn on me in an instant, because that's what I grew up knowing to be true, that everyone leaves you whether by choice or in death. I know, pretty dark and sad thoughts, right? That's what mental illness will do to a person. But now I channel my pain to help other people. I want to change people's lives and views on life itself. Even though I struggle through mental illness everyday, I don't want anyone to go through pain alone and so I'm always there when I'm needed, and even when I'm not, I'm there in the background.
Having Lily, and my son Adrian changed who I am completely. Sometimes I failed as a mom, and I let them down, and that's something I will always love with. I was far from the perfect mom and I still am. But I wake up every day and try harder. Lily and Adrian deserve a way better life for my kids than what I had growing up, and then some. They deserve to be loved and know it every day. To not be scared to be whoever they are, and to never be scared to talk to me. I want to be firm but not harsh, loving but not overbearing, and most of all I want them to know I will keep my promises, and therefore I won't ever make a promise I can't keep, and I'm already teaching Lily this (age 3), to have trust in me if no one else. I want Lily and Adrian to thrive and never be without.
Another thing that changed me was getting married. It changed my views on love, marriage, everything. He taught me how to live and take care of myself in ways that no one bothered to help me. He showed me that life isn't always filled with pain and loved me for me-scars, and imperfections and all.
My kids deserve the best life they can possibly have and I wake up wanting better for them and that's what will happen because one thing about me is that I am a survivor and I fight for what I want and what I know is right. I will keep fighting my demons and my pain and use that strength and knowledge to show my babies how to really live. My kids will get to watch how to love and show love, how to be accepted for who they are deep inside, to not be afraid to speak up about feelings and about what's right. I am their mom but I'm also a young mother so I still remember what it's like to be a kid again. I still feel the happy parts of my childhood as if they were just happening right now for the first time. This is how I have the passion and love to be a parent, even through the hard times of parenting that everyone understands. My biggest hope is that one day, when my kids move out and onto bigger things, they are unique individuals who are strong and can conquer anything.
I may be a young mom but I'm a mom nonetheless and this is my story, some people know bits and pieces of the story, some more than others, and I left some minor details out because of personal pain, but this is my story and I hope it inspires someone, is relatable to some, opens someone's eyes, or just makes people feel hopeful for mankind when they read this.
Thank you for reading all the way through :)
~Jessica Rico
